What I am Learning From Mom

 I'm upset right now. As in a culmination of things. But I already digress.

I can't stand the way that she doesn't want more out of life. Or the way she simply does not think or expect more of herself. One day is literally like the next, but maybe with a different stressing concern [that can be taken care of with direct action, but is constantly procrastinated and worried about even more].

Why does it upset me so much? Because part of it is inside me. Alcohol plays a big role in it for me. For my mom she is the same whether drinking or not I feel (outside of when she is wasted). 

And this is what I am realizing more and more. What bothers me so much about her is wanting the best for her and seeing her throw away her time and brain by not using it and enjoying it. Even when she is watching TV she isn't capturing what is going on. I've stopped asking questions on what she just watched etc. 

She's a loving person who I love. She loves her dog and me. But she is a sack of potatoes sitting here doing nothing. 

More to the point, this is OK bc evidently that is what she wants to do. And I am working to accept this. Working in my language towards her. No more of, "Mom we just talked about this 5 minutes ago." **Please understand if she were like my dad and had short term memory problems, I would never say this. But for her it is her lazy mind. But after doing this repeatedly in the hopes that she might use her mind more, and it causing a scene, I am no longer going to do it. I am not going to expect that she remembers anything. She didn't even remember holding my renewed drivers license in her hand yesterday (after it arrived in the mail). She thinks it is still not here (as of this morning when she questioned me on when it will arrive).

I am writing this for myself. I am not complaining. I am realizing where I will NEVER be in life. And I will fight hard not to be there. Fuck that shit - and this is for ME, not my mom. I guess she likes this life and that is her choice. I'm happy that she's staying in her non-happy stressed spot in life that she is comfortable with.

I will not stress on it any longer - it has done me well in the sense it scares the shit out of me. Done. OK, so I move on with goals and objectives and wanting to learn more. I move on with no expectations from my mom in terms of wanting anything new or gaining a community or working out or not stressing as much or having critical thoughts. 

So thank you Mom for showing me what I don't want. And this is not a knock against you at all. I get you 100% now. And I will play my cards accordingly. I will not stress over you any longer to be better and enjoy more. I am focused on my happiness and progress, along with Ela's. I wish you the best but I am not expecting anything at all. And I have put in my time. Now it is my time.