Am I just wasting time here? Well no, I am spending time with my dad in his older years. Playing cards. OK. Here to spend time with Dad. Spend time with Carol. AND get my act together. The vision. The health. Yes I drank a lot last night. Did I need to drink here with my dad after the cocktail bar? No. Did I enjoy it. Yes. OK then.
Did I overdrink at the bar - NO. Did I at home. Probably. Whatever.
When are you at a point in life where all is good, and no need to strive for more? Stay on course and keep your head down - you are good. Does this exist? If so, how do you know if you are on the right path, or you have rather just given up on wanting more?
So many people run through life without thinking of the 'what if' or even worse, not following it. I am not talking about what if I had a million dollars. I mean what if I approached that girl. Or what if I applied for that illustrious job. Or what if I followed my passion and risked having less money?
I'm upset right now. As in a culmination of things. But I already digress.
I can't stand the way that she doesn't want more out of life. Or the way she simply does not think or expect more of herself. One day is literally like the next, but maybe with a different stressing concern [that can be taken care of with direct action, but is constantly procrastinated and worried about even more].
Why does it upset me so much? Because part of it is inside me. Alcohol plays a big role in it for me. For my mom she is the same whether drinking or not I feel (outside of when she is wasted).
And this is what I am realizing more and more. What bothers me so much about her is wanting the best for her and seeing her throw away her time and brain by not using it and enjoying it. Even when she is watching TV she isn't capturing what is going on. I've stopped asking questions on what she just watched etc.
She's a loving person who I love. She loves her dog and me. But she is a sack of potatoes sitting here doing nothing.
More to the point, this is OK bc evidently that is what she wants to do. And I am working to accept this. Working in my language towards her. No more of, "Mom we just talked about this 5 minutes ago." **Please understand if she were like my dad and had short term memory problems, I would never say this. But for her it is her lazy mind. But after doing this repeatedly in the hopes that she might use her mind more, and it causing a scene, I am no longer going to do it. I am not going to expect that she remembers anything. She didn't even remember holding my renewed drivers license in her hand yesterday (after it arrived in the mail). She thinks it is still not here (as of this morning when she questioned me on when it will arrive).
I am writing this for myself. I am not complaining. I am realizing where I will NEVER be in life. And I will fight hard not to be there. Fuck that shit - and this is for ME, not my mom. I guess she likes this life and that is her choice. I'm happy that she's staying in her non-happy stressed spot in life that she is comfortable with.
I will not stress on it any longer - it has done me well in the sense it scares the shit out of me. Done. OK, so I move on with goals and objectives and wanting to learn more. I move on with no expectations from my mom in terms of wanting anything new or gaining a community or working out or not stressing as much or having critical thoughts.
So thank you Mom for showing me what I don't want. And this is not a knock against you at all. I get you 100% now. And I will play my cards accordingly. I will not stress over you any longer to be better and enjoy more. I am focused on my happiness and progress, along with Ela's. I wish you the best but I am not expecting anything at all. And I have put in my time. Now it is my time.
Right now not much. But that is because I have been living with her for over a month and it is annoying as shit. But I will be adding to this list.
Strong language, I know. And I don't ever say I hate things. But this is me venting, analyzing, and coming to grips with things at the same time. But in no way do I hate her. I love her with all of my heart. Let me explain...
My mom's husband passed away about 2.5 years ago. She has no one else in her life besides me as family (son). So I came back to her home immediately to be with her. Well that was a long time ago and I am still intermittently living with her. Brief background, more details to it, but not needed to know. We have spent a LOT of time together in the past two years...
1) she has a continual victim mentality
2) No drive to find answers. Even for things she dearly cares about (like her dog), she doesn't research how to help it out when sick or in trouble. She complains and then after that for awhile, if bad enough, calls the vet. Instead of looking it up online what other people have gone through. **And she knows how to do this
3) Not stretching her boundaries
4) Telling herself that she is stupid
5) Making up her mind that she doesn't understand something before trying. Whether listening to a conversation or trying to figure out how to work the dishwasher.
To be continued
6) Not flexing her mind - as in she doesn't involve herself in any critical thinking. Even as simple as watching Family Feud. Does she guess the answers? Nope, never. She is not interested in having new thoughts outside of worrying about something over and over while procrastinating on getting it done.
*oh wait I already mentioned this
7) She's given up on a meaningful life. "I don't want any new friends" being an example of this. Zoning out and watching TV the entire day. Stuff about actors' real lives and rumors etc. Complete trash of information that is doing nothing for her as a person. At least she is not watching teh news as much though.
**This is in no way saying that I don't love my mom with all of my heart. Otherwise I would be in Mexico, have my Paraguayan residency, etc. But this twist in life changed my course. While I am on this new route, I will be noting things. To understand myself, to not go absolutely insane (as I watch Mark and Kelly Morning Show), etc.
As soon as I started to set them in other people, I felt a weight lifted. Depending on who I was speaking with, meeting, playing tennis with, etc. It is a part of all parts of life. Obviously setting expectations for yourself is the biggest segment of this, but an entirely different context for this note's purposes.
Simple expectation: I'm meeting Joe at 10am for coffee. I know that he is consistently late, so I show up on time or not. Either way, I am not stressed about it, nor annoyed. It is Joe. I have placed him in this expectation and all good.
One of the hardest ones for me was to realize as I was speaking to a loved one about something important [to me, but could be about helping them or any myriad of other thoughts]. "Hell, they aren't listening to me at all."
Charlie Kirk was assassinated yesterday. He wasn't a president or even a politician. He was a strong voice but just as strong of an ear for his audience. Mostly young adults hungry for knowledge.
The scary part of it: some liberals were actually happy that this happened. WTF. And even a friend of mine posted "Hey he wanted right to bear arms Second Amendment." WTF is wrong with people?
At some point this divisiveness will explode but this time on the rational political side. And that's when it gets real.
